I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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