i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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