He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
they need to just BURY HIM!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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