I should be sponsored by Trojan
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
