true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
