for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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