I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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