Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
