While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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