can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
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