Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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