Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
