I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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