Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
