i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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