Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
