we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
