Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
