i'm signing you up for texting rehab
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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