I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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