His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
