the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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