took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
