My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
