You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My ass is underappreciated
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
