Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
