Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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