remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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