how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
