I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I did not marry a roomba.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
