I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
