Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
