I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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