My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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