Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
