i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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