Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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