No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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