I faked an abortion last night.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
