What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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