What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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