Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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