Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
