I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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