my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
