this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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