I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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