I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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