some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
