Cold hands, warm shart.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
