I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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