Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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