started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
